


In his shoes

by Soraya (soraya2004), soraya2004



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: M/M, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-11-24
Updated: 2007-11-24
Packaged: 2017-10-14 19:33:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/152702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soraya2004/pseuds/Soraya, https://archiveofourown.org/users/soraya2004/pseuds/soraya2004
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cam knows this is where he's meant to be</p>
            </blockquote>





	In his shoes

**Author's Note:**

> Mild spoilers for season 9 episode 14 "Stronghold"

One thing Cam knows is that he likes to lead from the front.

All through his life, he works hard to be the blue-eyed boy that people will look up to. He likes being that guy: the one, who stands out from the crowd, and the one, whom everyone knows is the best. But, the problem with putting guys, who all think the same way together in one place is that only one of them can truly be the best. And, on the 302 program, everyone knows that person is Bryce Ferguson.

While Cam _does_ come close, Bryce is just a little more blue-eyed and a little more gifted than he is. The hardest part to swallow is that Bryce is also one of his best friends. He tries to convince himself that if they were anywhere else, doing anything else, he wouldn't mind so much being second best. But, the next phase of the program only has room for one pilot, and Cam wants to be the one, who soars up high to touch the stars.

So, he works even harder, hiding the small, secret part of himself that resents Bryce every time Bryce sneaks in under the wire and then finds a way to beat him. And, no matter what he does, in every way that counts, Cam knows that on balance Bryce will always be just that little bit more.

***

The balance changes on the 302's maiden test flight. Ten minutes into it, Bryce takes himself quite spectacularly out of contention.

Weeks later, Cam can scarcely believe how things have worked out: he's the lead, now, for all the testing on the 302; the spot on the next phase of the program is his if he wants it; and, Bryce has nothing except a long road of recovery ahead of him. The guilt, which haunts his every day, isn't quite enough to stop him moving on with his career. Cam knows he'll take the job; he's just waiting for the right time to accept. The crazy thing is that he knows Bryce would want him to have it. It's just another measure of the kind of man Bryce Ferguson is.

The kind of man _he_ is is prone to moments of recklessness where he'll rush headlong into danger and damn the consequences.

No one really mentions that about him any more; no one needs to. He's well aware that it's his fault Bryce is lying in that hospital bed. He knows he let his frustration get the better of him. The one time he should have played by the book is the one time he chose not to. Rather than back off at the rim of the envelope, he'd reached beyond to push past it. Now, his reward is to watch someone else suffer for that moment of rashness and the price he pays is the knowledge that he has grounded a good man for life.

Whenever he's with Bryce now, he can't quite manage to look Bryce in the eye. All he ever sees is the patch on Bryce's head, where that once so perfect blond hair refuses to grow back. It sits there as a marker for the shrapnel lodged in Bryce's brain: that one stray piece, which changed the whole puzzle taking Bryce right out of the picture.

The irony of the situation isn't lost on him. His mistakes have brought him a shot at everything he has ever wanted, whilst Bryce's brilliance has cost _him_ that much and more. Cam knows he would be dead now if it weren't for Bryce. He knows, with a humbling feeling of certainty, that if he'd been up there that day with anyone else, the only thing left of him now would be a pile wreckage at the bottom of the ocean. No one else, not even he could have pulled off that incredible move, which saved his life, and Cam doubts whether anyone else would have put themselves in harm's way just to nudge him free and clear.

As he follows Bryce's struggle to recover, he wonders if the medal they'll pin on Bryce's chest will be any kind of consolation. In Bryce's shoes, Cam can't imagine how it would be.

***

In the years that follow, Cam soars high and free away from Bryce's shadow.

There are moments during his career when he does fall to earth. Sometimes, when things don't quite go his way, the doubts drag him all the way back down to the land of what-ifs, where he wonders what choices Bryce would have made if Bryce were in his shoes.

He never stays down for too long. It's impossible to compare potential with the concrete facts of what _he_ has achieved. Still, even though he's human enough to falter sometimes, Cam has no doubt that he's the best there is.

Usually, his best is good enough.

***

After Cam takes command of SG-1, most of his doubts fade away. This is where he's meant to be. He knows he has earned the right to have this all by himself, to be one of them and to stand beside them.

In his more introspective moments, he's a little embarrassed by how much he loves his team. One element of that is pure professional admiration, because let's face it: SG-1 kicks inter-galactic ass! He still gets hard just thinking about what this team has accomplished and how many times they've saved the world. Only, now that he's one of them, he also gets to see the human face behind the myth.

There are a thousand mundane things about SG-1, which make him shake his head in amazement. Like the fact that Carter, despite her brilliance at almost anything she tries, is by far the worst karaoke singer P2X-314 has ever seen. Both Jackson and Carter are strangely perky in the morning without coffee, but Carter gets really cranky whenever anyone mentions that about her. Jackson looks a hell of a lot like him, which is kind of weird but cool. Except for the part where Jackson thinks it's funny to piss hell out of any visiting brass, who somehow always seem to mistake _him_ for Jackson later on.

And then, of course, there's Teal'c.

***

It's hard for Cam to pinpoint what fascinates him the most about Teal'c.

He has always been drawn toward people with a certain strength of character, and _strength_ is something that Teal'c has to spare along with dignity, bravery and determination. These are all traits, which he admires, and for as long as he can remember he has tried to embody them. Teal'c changes nothing for him in that respect, nor does Teal'c affect his drive to be the kind of person, who leads from the front. If anything, it's the grace, which Teal'c shows in adversity, that resets his view of _what it means to be a hero_ from the _larger than life_ to something that's altogether more tangible.

Most of the time, Teal'c reminds him of one of those guys, who has seen it all and done it all. Father, mentor, counsel, warrior: there's a little bit of everything rolled into that Jaffa mystique. They can spend entire days together and he'll still leave feeling like he has barely scratched the surface of who Teal'c is. It's frustrating and it's challenging, but beyond that hanging out with Teal'c is never boring. Teal'c makes him see things in ways he never imagined he could. With Teal'c at his side, the world looks more vibrant; he feels more alive and in tune with himself than he has in years, and it doesn't take long for him to realize that there's nothing he wouldn't do for Teal'c in return.

He's also astute enough to notice that these are signs he might be smitten with the big guy.

At first, it's not easy for him to cope with this kind of attraction. Attraction is something he expects to feel for _Carter_ ; common sense says that she should be the one, who keeps him up at night turned on and aching to touch all that blonde hair and sweet smelling skin. But, common sense never seems to play much of a role in any of his relationships, and instead it's Teal'c, who makes him breathless and who sets his heart racing at the mere sight of him.

He spends several months trying to convince himself that it's nothing more than a crush. That happens sometimes when guys spend a lot of time together fighting side by side, forced to rely on each other for their survival; emotional attachments are bound develop in that kind of environment. So, even though that sense of breathlessness never goes away, Cam soldiers on and he gets used to the idea that he'll feel giddy, scared and elated whenever he's around Teal'c.

It helps that Teal'c makes a big show of humouring him; at least, Cam hopes that's what Teal'c is doing. Most days, he can't tell whether it's some strange Jaffa bonding ritual or whether Teal'c is just fucking with him. Either way, it kind of becomes their thing: he'll say something outrageous in an attempt to get a rise out of Teal'c; then, Teal'c will give him that regal nod and say absolutely nothing at all. Occasionally, he manages to get an: 'Indeed, Colonel Mitchell!' out of Teal'c. Or, when he's really persistent, Teal'c will raise the eyebrow of exasperation. Which is always something to shout about because it means the cracks are showing and he's getting through to the big guy. Usually, though, it's just a smooth, steady glide into a companionship, which becomes as necessary to him as it is familiar.

Deep down, Cam knows that Teal'c considers him a good friend, and the longing has to take a backseat to that. But, it's always there simmering in background, waiting for the right moment to boil over, much as Cam himself waits. Sometimes, when he catches Teal'c watching him with that speculative look in his eye, Cam toys with the idea that Teal'c just might be waiting too. It's a dream of his that one day Teal'c will turn to him for a lot more than friendship.

While he waits for that to happen, even though he doesn't have everything he wants, each step he takes with Teal'c at his side makes him feel like he's soaring.

***

The news that Bryce is back in hospital sends him crashing down to earth.

That stray piece of shrapnel, which has been killing Bryce slowly, is very close to completing its job. Since the days of the 302 program, he has done a great job avoiding the inevitability of this moment. Now that it's here, it brings with it all those old feelings of guilt, which shake the foundations of the life he's trying so hard to build.

That could have been him in that hospital bed; it should have and would have been him had Bryce not stepped in the way.

Bryce's doctors say it's too late. But, that doesn't stop him from pulling every string he can to get Bryce moved to the USAF Academy hospital. His prayer is that somewhere in there is a Hail Mary born from technology they've picked up off world. Because, he's not sure how he's going to live with himself should the alternative be the case.

***

Once word comes through about Teal'c's capture, Cam can't focus on anything else.

So, perhaps the worst kind of punishment is having to sit in that hospital room, doing mundane things like playing video games with the knowledge that Bryce's last hours are ticking away and quite probably Teal'c's as well. Where Bryce is concerned, he has had to accept defeat. There's no chance of a Hail Mary on this one: the doctors tell him that they've exhausted all possibilities and that Bryce is going to die soon. There is, however, a chance that he can still do something to save Teal'c. If he weren't trying too late to be the kind of friend to Bryce he should always have been.

Not long into it, his legs start twitching from the strain of inactivity. He has never been any good at waiting; he's the kind of guy, who needs to be out there making things happen or at least having a say in the outcome. Waiting for news while other people plan Teal'c's rescue is pure torture. Because, as irrational as it may be, while people like Jackson and Carter and Bra'tac have all known Teal'c far longer than he has, Cam can't think of anyone more motivated than he is to bring Teal'c home.

"You know, you're going to have to forgive yourself _some_ time," Bryce tells him after neither one of them has said much for a while. "I forgave you a long time ago, in case you were wondering."

Glancing over at Bryce, Cam finds that those blue eyes are fixed on the game they're playing. Bryce's _medieval princess_ is kicking the shit out of his _chimera_ ; nothing new there. But, this kind of talk is heading toward dangerous territory, where every word is a potential minefield, and the sudden roll of sweat down his back only adds to his unease.

"I forgave myself too," Bryce adds, making it sound almost like an afterthought.

Cam knows it's anything but that. Still, he's not sure how to respond, so he takes a leaf out of Teal'c's book and he says nothing at all.

"Look, Cam, you tried! There's nothing more you can do here. I know you have other, more important things to do, so-- "

"Fergie," Cam interrupts him, because that's a whole other can of worms he can't handle right now. "You are not getting rid of me that easily!"

It's a struggle not to fidget under the look Bryce gives him. But, after Bryce snorts out a dry sounding laugh, they both just keep playing those pointless games.

***

Eventually, there comes a point when Cam can't sit still any longer. After that, he makes a few calls.

He's not entirely sure why he does it: whether it's to show Bryce the good he has done with the life he took from him, or simply to explain why he can't stick around any more. Because in its own way, the Galaran device is more dangerous than a hundred brain-shredding pieces of shrapnel. Not so long ago, he swore never to let anyone use it much less use it again himself. So much can go wrong with the device; there's too much scope for abuse in the wrong hands.

Still, despite his misgivings, he rigs it up and he switches it on, letting it download almost two years worth of his memories. Afterwards, while he's too shaky to second guess himself, he hooks the damn thing up to Bryce, and then he cranks up the dial giving Bryce his first taste of the life that could have been his.

"Whoa," Bryce says at the end of it. " _That's_ what you've been doing? Seriously?" And, Bryce doesn't even wait for him to answer before he dives right back in to take another hit. The next time Bryce comes out he's laughing and those blue eyes are sparkling with excitement. "God damn, we've got a Stargate," he whispers. "And, what about the space ships, time travel, _SG-1_ . . .."

Bryce dives in again, rifling through memories of missions off world, and as Cam watches the way Bryce soaks everything up, he can't help feeling a little exposed. One of the drawbacks with the device is full disclosure. Going in, he knew this was part of the deal in much the same way that he knows Bryce will see everything he feels about SG-1 and Teal'c in particular if he lets this go any further. He's just not sure how to draw a line on this without depriving Bryce of yet one more thing.

In the end, Bryce makes it easy for him by stopping the download altogether.

"You okay there, buddy?" Cam asks, worried. Because, all of a sudden Bryce looks very pale, and there's something in his eyes that Cam can't quite decipher. "Do you need me to get a doctor in here?"

"No, no, I'm fine," Bryce replies, light and easy. Though, that strange tense look is still there. "This Teal'c: he seems like a pretty great guy or alien, whatever he is."

"Jaffa," Cam corrects him absently. "And, yes, he is."

"Then, what the hell are you waiting for? Get out of here! Go find Teal'c and bring him home!"

He's a little out of practice at reading Bryce; he's not sure he was all that great at it to begin with. But, even he's fairly certain that there are several layers to Bryce's response. "I just don't want to screw this up," he says after a while, treading carefully with his own words. It's the closest he can come to admitting how much Teal'c means to him.

"You won't," Bryce assures him. "Just be yourself, Cam. Trust me: that's pretty damn good!" Afterwards, Bryce leans back and shakes his head while peals of laughter stream out of his throat. "My God, Cam, _other planets_ : that's incredible!"

For a moment, that carefree sound reminds him of the old days, when he and Bryce were just two friends, who wanted nothing more than to make it to space or die trying. Cam realizes then just how much he has missed this, and how much he's going to miss this when Bryce is gone. And, that's really when it hits home that this may be the last time he'll see Bryce alive.

"Promise me you'll be here when I get back," Cam begs him, breathing hard with the frustration of it all. "Just hold on a little longer, okay?" He knows it's too late. He has wasted so much time by letting guilt and resentment sour things from his end; time neither of them can get back.

And, when Bryce whispers: "I will, I promise," Cam thinks perhaps it's exactly the kind of lie they both need to hear.

***

Against the odds, Cam makes it back in time for one last goodbye.

Bryce is still in hospital, barely hanging on. Which doesn't give him much time to weigh the pros and cons of the next decision he takes. In the back of his mind, he has a feeling this ranks right up there as one of the weirdest things he has ever done. But, short of letting Bryce experience his memories, this is the closest thing he can think of to having them for real.

When he pops his head round the door, Bryce greets him with a tired: "Cam, hey, you made it!"

"Hey, old buddy," he replies fondly.

"You guys get Teal'c back okay?"

"Yeah, we did."

"Good, that's just what I need to hear," Bryce says very quietly before closing his eyes on a smile.

There's a shroud of peace around him now, something Cam can't remember seeing on him before, and the sight of it here, now, in this room makes Cam's chest go tight with panic. "No, wait," he yells almost desperately. And then he's shoving his way into the room, one arm waving his mystery guest in from behind the door. "Look, there's someone I want you to meet!"

***

It's in his nature to reach further and farther than most people would dare to dream. Yet, up till that day, Cam can think of only one other decision in his life that he would gladly to go back to change.

There comes a moment after the initial introduction, after Bryce sees Teal'c in the flesh, and long after Teal'c plants himself at Bryce's bedside when Cam realizes he has completely misjudged the situation. The little he has told Teal'c about Bryce is enough to earn the respect of any Jaffa warrior. This, though, he doesn't know how the hell to describe _this_.

Bryce keeps touching Teal'c's face, and Teal'c is just _letting_ him, leaning into the fingers stroking gently over his forehead. "It is the mark of the false god, who enslaved my people," Teal'c explains when Bryce lingers on that golden brand. And, although things have gone beyond what anyone could excuse as curiosity, Teal'c shows no signs of wanting Bryce's hands off him.

Cam watches the two of them in silence, slowly grinding his teeth, because he's still not sure what the hell is going on. This isn't how he saw things playing out, with him on the outside and Teal'c and Bryce just staring at each other. It's hard to get a read on either of them, Bryce in particular, who is wearing that same tense look which baffled him so much a few days ago. But, he has spent enough time watching Teal'c to spot each subtle shift in expression, and what Teal'c's face is showing right then sets his heart pounding with alarm.

"I'm sorry it took so long to get you out of there," Bryce whispers all of a sudden. "I wanted to come get you myself. I _would_ have come if-- "

" _I know_ ," Teal'c cuts in, voice shaking with emotion.

And now Cam really doesn't know what the fuck is going on, but he knows it's bad; it's very, very bad. "Have you two met before or something?" he asks them, even though he knows that's insane. He can still remember the look of wonder on Bryce's face when Bryce saw his memories for the first time; it's impossible to fake that! But, the lack of response does nothing to convince him that he's not imagining things.

Especially once Bryce chokes back a desperate sounding moan.

"Okay, Fergie, Teal'c, you're seriously freaking me out here," and Cam tries to keep his voice steady while his throat feels like it's closing up. "Does one of you want to clue me in? Guys? _Come on_!"

Surprisingly, it's Teal'c, who answers him in the end.

"Major Ferguson and I have not met before, Colonel Mitchell," Teal'c says. After which Bryce cups one hand gently over Teal'c's cheek.

Teal'c reaches up to touch the hand cupping his cheek, holding it there and turning his face into it.

And, for Cam, it feels like all his dreams are dying. Helpless, he watches the two of them from the sidelines, wishing he could rewind his life a few minutes, wishing there was a way to go back and undo what he has just done.

"Can you stay?" he hears Bryce ask Teal'c.

"I would be honoured," Teal'c replies.

And, time rolls on in front of his eyes. "I'll just-- " he makes vague motions at the door, because there's no way he can stay to watch any more of this.

He thinks he's almost free and clear when Bryce's quiet: "Thank-you, Cam," catches him in the back.

That gratitude tastes like dust and ashes, and only the years of experience he has had at swallowing them stop him from howling out loud. He knows now that although he's the one who'll stay behind and who'll walk beside Teal'c, they'll never have the kind of future he wants. Because, somehow with his dying breaths, Bryce has taken that from him as well.

  
The End.

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by a scene in season 9 episode 14 "Stronghold", during which Cam and Bryce talk before Cam rushes off to rescue Teal'c. It also uses some of the dialogue from that scene, changing the context in which it was said, namely:
> 
> \- "This Teal'c: he seems like a pretty great guy or alien, whatever he is." "Jaffa."  
> \- "I just don't want to screw this up."   
> \- "Just be yourself, Cam. Trust me: that's pretty damn good!"


End file.
